Published January 4, 2011 by Harper Perennial
Andrew Shaffer knows there’s nothing like a healthy dose of schadenfreude to make you feel better about your own life, and in Great Philosophers Who Failed at Love he gives us just that. In bite-sized essays, Shaffer recounts the romantic woes of thirty-seven of history’s most renowned thinkers, from St. Augustine and Simone de Beauvoir to Socrates and Leo Tolstoy.
Shaffer acknowledges the irony in this collection from the get-go, noting the common belief that “if anyone can teach us about a concept as abstract as love, philosophers—the original ‘lovers of wisdom’—should be at the top of the list.” But while that might be a nice thought, it’s not quite reality, and the portraits he presents reveal individuals who, while intellectually brilliant, were remarkably lacking in what we call “emotional intelligence” today. As it turns out, many of the world’s great philosophers just straight-up sucked at the romance game.
In or out of love, philosophers are overly critical, condescending, and holier-than-thou. Their theories are impenetrable, their positions contradictory, their probing questions a nuisance. Such temperamental behavior has made philosophers unsuitable candidates for marriage.
Shaffer gets off to a strong (and shocking) start with the story of Peter Abélard, who fell for a seventeen-year-old student. When the girl became pregnant with his child, Abélard shipped her off to a convent, and the girl’s uncle, enraged by the situation, had Abélard castrated.
Then there’s St. Thomas Aquinas, whose family was so opposed to his becoming a Dominican monk (they favored the Benedictine order) that they hired a hooker to seduce him in hopes that he would commit a sin so great it would force him to “give up his clerical aspirations.”
And did you know that Simone de Beavoir and Jean-Paul Sartre were the original swingers? Over the course of fifty-one years, the smartypants couple “lived together only sporadically and thus had plenty of time for extracurricular activities both sexual and intellectual.” As if that’s not creative enough, in 1965 Sartre adopted a young lover as his daughter, and Beauvoir, not to be outdone, followed suit. You just thought your relationships were dysfunctional!
Diogenes the Cynic (how’s that for an appellation?) used his philosophy that “what is natural cannot be wrong” as an excuse to fart, urinate, masturbate, and defecate in public and (quite conveniently) did not believe that “a truly wise man could ever be in love.” Kierkegaard (in another variation on the dirty old man theme, quite popular with the philosophy crowd) fell for a fifteen-year-old, and Nietzsche had many admirers but chose to chase after women who did not return his affection…unless you count the prostitutes he paid to do so (one of whom was likely responsible for giving him the syphilitic infection that eventually ruined his life).
Shaffer’s portraits of these philosophers (and the rest featured in the collection) are filled with not only dinner-party-worthy facts entertaining snark and a fun voice that makes these heretofore intimidating characters seem human and accessible. Each essay ends with an “In His Own Words” feature in which Shaffer presents a selection from the philosopher’s writing about love, marriage, relationships, etc. Jean-Jacques Rousseau’s receives the subtitle “Spank You Very Much,” which is but a small indication of the humor and sense of play Shaffer brings to what could be an otherwise dry subject.
Great Philosophers Who Failed at Love is a fast, fun read that will make a great addition to anyone’s bookshelf but would be a particularly wonderful gift for college students looking to spice up their Philosophy 101 papers or those friends you have who are positively convinced that they’ll never find love. If the freaky philosophers featured in this book can do it, anyone can, and that’s more than a little bit reassuring. At least, it is if you’re a man.
Only two of the thirty-seven philosophers Shaffer discusses are women, and, well, even if women are outnumbered in the annals of philosophy, you’d think the columns could be evened up a bit. But that’s my only qualm with Shaffer’s collection, which is sure to be a hit come Valentine’s Day. And if you need to prove to your partner that it could be worse? Well, here you go.
Visit Andrew Shaffer’s website and follow him on Twitter to learn more, and stay tuned for Andrew Shaffer’s contribution to The Bare Necessities later this week.
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aguja onJanuary 4th, 2011 6:00 am What a great idea for a collection and a good read, I am sure. Love your write up of it.
Sandy onJanuary 4th, 2011 7:42 am This is great…half crack-up, half a learning venture. You really hit the nail on the head by saying that these stories deserve to be told at a dinner party!
Tweets that mention | The Book Lady's Blog -- Topsy.com onJanuary 4th, 2011 7:54 am[...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Rebecca Schinsky, Neil Shurley. Neil Shurley said: On sale now! http://amzn.to/gjnOLd RT @bookladysblog Fun w/GREAT PHILOSOPHERS WHO FAILED AT LOVE by @andrewtshaffer http://goo.gl/fb/sHz4U [...]
Cassandra onJanuary 4th, 2011 9:40 am You were very right – you had a lot of good things to say. As I would expect from following him on Twitter, this book appears to have a lot of heart and a lot of wit. I can’t wait to read it!
Rebecca Rasmussen onJanuary 4th, 2011 10:20 am Wow — this looks brutal and fun. Definitely would have helped me through my philosophy class in college. 
Lisa@ButteryBooks onJanuary 4th, 2011 4:16 pm What a great concept for a book! Fun (and painful..castration!) to see what love may have been like way back in the day.
Lisa@ButteryBooks´s last blog ..The Ballet and Russian Winter
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